But it's hard to know whether to recognize and celebrate the accomplishment of having made it the ten years, or just let the day go in peace. I'm the only one who recognized the date, anyway, so maybe it's just my own thoughts crashing in on the day. I just don't know how anyone else could have forgotten it....it is forever seared in my consciousness...
Speaking with Mom this morning about Grandma's worsening health caused us to have a conversation on death and dying. While we all know that at 90 Grandma has had a long life, and we know that 10 years post heart attack is almost a miracle for Terry giving the severity of the heart attack and resulting damage, in many ways it doesn't make it that much easier to accept that at any point one or both of them could be gone. Mom is struggling with whether she forces the issue of Grandma going to the hospital and I have struggled for the past 10 years with watching Terry's negative health behaviors. It was a difficult conversation, because we both were forced to face what we are feeling, which may or may not be compatible with what our loved ones are feeling.
Mom's situation is a little different than mine in that Grandma flat out refuses to consider going to the hospital. In her mind, she's tired of all of this, and not being able to breathe well, and while I won't say she has given up, to a certain degree it seems she has. Her siblings and cousins and many friends have all gone now, and I can't imagine how alone that could make one feel. But the hard part for Mom is knowing that even though for the past 8 years Mom has had her living with her, now, when her health is turning for the worst, that love and concern doesn't help Grandma in any way that she can articulate. She is at a place where our love for her is no longer enough to motivate her to want to keep trying to feel better. She wants to let go, and we need to figure out how we can let that happen.
With Terry, while he is willing to go to the hospital when necessary, he will not make that decision for himself. He wants me to take control and make the decisions, but that seems to be the only time he's willing to follow what I say. One of the observations I have had being home with him for the past 6 weeks so far is how much sugar he consumes. It's really staggering. He won't follow doctors' orders; won't take prescribed medications; won't follow a healthy diet, and I'm supposed to be okay with that. Where do his rights as an individual to live his life on his terms end and mine as a concerned spouse/caregiver begin? It's a slippery slope we never quite get figured out.
It's unfortunate for Mom and me that one of our connecting threads right now is that we are both caregivers to loved ones who are not making decisions in the best interests of their own health, and we know that we are going to lose them...it would be so much better if we did this one at a time to allow the other to be support, but we do have our own support group, I suppose. At least we each know there's someone out there who really knows what we're going through. There is much comfort in that knowledge.
So for everyone else, it's Thursday. For me, it's an anniversary we don't really recognize. Happy Anniversary to me...
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